You Once Walked Beside Me, Holding My Hand...Now You're Grown And Walking on Your Own
I was going to share a completely different post today, but as I got ready to take my oldest out for the day to prepare for Spring soccer I looked at him and a whole new post came to me. The original post I was going to share will come later, but today I'm feeling sentimental. The other day when I was sitting in the doctor's office waiting to get a second Mammogram my thoughts were racing about my boys. I sat there waiting to hear news about my Mammogram and the ultrasound I had and all I could think of was what if they told me I had cancer. Two years ago I had gone through this exact moment with my mother waiting to hear how her results came back. I had all these feelings arise in me. I was so worried that I was again going to have to share with my boys the news of cancer, but this time it was going to be me. I sat there and prayed. I prayed so hard with tears streaming down my face that this wasn't going to be my time. I wasn't ready. Thankfully the Lord heard my prayers and the nurse came back and told me that my scans showed benign cysts and we didn't have to worry. In that moment I fell to pieces. I thanked the Lord with all my heart that the news was that my scans showed it wasn't cancer. The reason I'm sharing this is because in that moment my sense of relief wasn't about me, it was about my two boys and my family. I told God that we couldn't put them through this again and he heard me. I knew I would be okay if the news was different, but I was worried about them. We as mothers are always putting our children first. We always think about them first. And this weekend as I spent time with my boys I've realized right before my eyes they've grown and changed and I need to take more time to savor it the best I can.
As I sat there in that doctor's office they are all that filled my thoughts. I thought of when they were little they would hold my hand as we walked together, snuggle on the couch with me as they fell asleep, or need me to rub their backs when they felt sick. Now, as the years have passed they no longer walk beside me holding my hand or call to me to wait for them like they used to. They don't need me to rub their back or snuggle them as we watch movies together. As I look at them today I've realized they walk ahead of me, strong, confident, and on their own and I watch them from behind admiring how they are turning into teens right before my eyes. This weekend as I had one on one time with each of them I was so thankful that they still, at their age, want to spend time with me. I thought so much about how the days with them go by so quickly and just how important these days are because they're fleeting. Before I know it they'll be graduating college and off on their own. These are the days that we as mother's work so hard for, but I didn't realize how unprepared I would be for the day they no longer needed me like they used to. How I wasn't ready for the quiet nights when they aren't home or the days that their toys aren't strewn across my floors. How in the days when they were little I begged for a few moments of peace, but now I long for some of the days of them calling me to tuck them in to bed or to play trucks with them on the floor.
These days the house often looks untouched. There may be a few dishes in the sink or some clothes on the bathroom floors. I might find some cleats in the middle of the mudroom or backpacks in the middle of the floor, but I miss the days of finding sippy cups or toys in my living room. From the time I was little and played with dolls I thought I just couldn't wait to be the mom of a little girl, but God had different plans for me and his plans are always perfect. I'm a boy mom and I couldn't be happier. This past year with COVID I realized just how much I love standing on the sidelines cheering my boys on in their soccer games. Or yelling from the bleachers as my oldest hits a 3 point shot in a basketball game. I love being surrounded by my boys and feeling their love. I know I embarrass them to their core sometimes, but someday they wont mind and realize those days I embarrassed them meant I was there supporting them every step of the way. Momma's scream, yell, and cheer them on because we are truly their biggest fans and that's okay! As I had one on one time with my boys this weekend I felt so blessed because during our car rides, shopping trips, and lunch dates we talked. For years I've prayed and asked God to have my boys be open and honest with me. Over the years we've had many conversations about faith, friendships, fears, dreams, prayer, honesty, working hard, and overcoming obstacles. I look now and see that all of these conversations have lead to them feeling confident and secure and no longer need my hand to hold, but now can walk in confidence ahead of me leading the way as I now follow them and support them from a distance. I believe they know they can walk ahead of me but I'm always here to catch them when they fall.
As I look at what this weekend has been and what it has shown me I've realized that sometimes it takes scary moments to open our eyes to what we have in front of us. That God's plan is the best plan and we are not in control of any of it. We have to trust in him, confide in him, and believe that we are doing our best. We often don't know how we're going to get through a day, a week, or the months ahead, but as Mom's we somehow always pull it together and come through the other side. Sometimes through tears, sometimes through anxiety, and sometimes with a smile across our face when all we want to do is scream. But then there are the days, like this weekend, when we stand back, see just how much our children have grown, and all those days, weeks, and years have been worth it. Because then, in that moment, we see them standing there, confident, strong, and taking on the challenges ahead of them just as we've hoped they would. Momma you've done good.